Not a good week this week. A shitty one, to be honest. Earlier this week I felt I had low energy and decided to take an afternoon nap. Just in time for work. I woke up sweating and had a terrible headache and a sour throat. My energy had only decreased.
The work day itself drained the little energy I had left. It was exhausting. Usually I gain energy from my work, but not at the beginning of this week. And to top it off, the feelings of loneliness I had experienced in Napoli last Sunday, came back amplified. Negative thoughts filled my mind. Yes, it is awesome being in Rome. But it’s also very hot and the city hasn’t impressed me yet with things beyond the touristy sights. And for the beautiful things that I do see, I have nobody to share it with.
To make it all worse I start to judge my feelings. You spoiled little brat. Look at this wonderful life you choose to live. And you’re complaining that not everything is perfect? Why do you need to be impressed? And then of course I start judging these judging thoughts. I find myself in a negative spiral and decide to start journaling. I’ve never seen any real value in it, but after hearing it being described as “a spiritual wind shield wiper”, I decide to give it a try.
"Yes, I have very little to complain about, but am I not allowed to have some emotional difficulties?" I do some meditations and learn about stepping out. How can I distance myself from my feelings, and simply observe and accept them? I am not my feelings. My feelings come and go, I am here. Or as Susan David explores: “Who is in charge? The thinker or the thought?”
I’m grateful to have awesome friends to call or text, who are willing to share their thoughts. “Isn’t it a great thing to be able to experience loneliness? So you can enjoy and appreciate social interactions even more? Why try to push through to the positive? Try to accept it. It’s OK.”
Later this week, I’m about to go back to my sober diner plans, containing spinach and eggs, when one friend suggests: “Be kind to yourself. Go out and have a fantastic meal and a glass of wine. You’re in freaking Italy! You may still feel shitty afterwards, but at least you’ve had some great food, and you’ve made yourself a priority.”
What a great advice! It turns out to be the turning point in my week. A fantastic plate of pasta with shrimp and calamari, with some lovely Italian wine. I catch myself singing out loud on my way back home, as I notice people looking at me. “F**k it, they probably don’t know these Dutch songs anyway.” I keep singing.
On Friday evening I feel a lot better physically. I’ve also had some good days at work creating new solutions for a customer. Pia, my roommate, is leaving tomorrow to go back to Germany. She invites me to join her to go to a house party where a lot of people from different embassies are coming. Germany, Taiwan, and the Philippines are represented. I’m the odd duck with my software background. It turns out to be a very nice evening with friendly people and great conversations, about what it means to live abroad for a certain period. I end up with some contacts and my feelings of loneliness are out of the window.
With a positive mind I get up on Saturday and decide to go for a long walk towards Vatican City. I listen to a podcast from Rob Bell, who has a series on what he calls “Alternative Wisdom.”
One passage I have to share:
We live in a world that is obsessed with clinging, winning, grasping, dominating, accumulating, proving, impressing and ranking. How worthy or unworthy are we? How lovable or unlovable are we? How well do we measure up?
But once we start focusing on things we truly want: love, connections, meaning, contribution and peace (things that lack scarcity by the way), we are playing a different game. And there is no longer a need to prove that you belong, because you realize you never stopped belonging in the first place. You were always in. And the things that you were striving for, you've had it in you, the whole time.
YES! That just made my day (so I thought). My mind wonders off to a wonderful person, I’ve met work-related a few years ago. She has had a very tough last year and finally found the courage to take some time for herself. As I know she enjoys piano music, I decide to send her a link to Ludovico Einaudi’s gorgeous Nuvole Bianche. What follows is amazing.
As I continue walking, listening to the very song I just sent her, I can picture her joy while listening to the song. I notice feelings of love and compassion are filling my heart. I'm sending all of it her way. When the song reaches it climax, the sun rays are touching my face, nicely compensated by a cool breeze. I lift my head up and feel my face and arms start to tingle. While my face is smiling, tears fill my eyes. Tears of beauty, tears of love. This moment lasts for a good 20 seconds. As I focus my eyes on the road again, St. Peter’s Basilica appears in the distance. I’m speechless.
Strangely enough, this is the 4th time in two months that I experience moments of pure joy. But never this intense. I don’t know what it is, or what is causing it, but I don’t care. I’m loving it.
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